"You've forgotten those June nights at the Riviera...the night I drank champagne from your slipper--two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles."
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
Room service? Send up a larger room.
I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government. I'd give it all up for one erection.
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . we're going back next week.
I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Time wounds all heels.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?"
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Say! You haven't stopped talking since we got here! You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!
Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.
Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
"These are my principles. And if you don't like them, I have others."
When he was living in Great Neck New York, Groucho decided to join a
beach club. "After investigating a number of them, he drove us over the
Sands Point Bath and Sun Club, filled out an application and handed it
to the manager.
'Are you Jewish?' asked the manager, not at all impressed that the applicant was a celebrity enjoying huge success on Broadway.
'Not a practicing one,' replied Groucho. 'Actually, I'm an American.'
'Well, we're very sorry, Mr. Marx,' said the manager, 'but we don't allow Jews to swim at our beach.'
'What about my son?' retorted Groucho. 'He's only half-Jewish. Would it be all right if he went into the water up to his knees?'
Reporter: "You're going to be eighty-five soon. How does it feel?"
Groucho: "Sixty-nine felt better."
Reporter: "Where'd you learn to sing?"
Groucho: "That's a stupid question. I've been singing all my life. Where'd you learn to write--or maybe you haven't?"
Groucho: "Enough about me. What do you do for amusement?"
Reporter: "I go to the movies, play backgammon and dance."
Groucho: "At the same time?"
Groucho was interviewing a rather eccentric woman who suddenly said
to him, "I have heard voices from another planet."
"Really," said Groucho. "What other planet?"
"I'm not at liberty to tell you," said the woman.
"It's a wonder you're at liberty at all," Groucho shot back.
from You Bet Your Life:
He had a housewife on who said she had seven children. Groucho said, "Seven? That many?"
She blushed, and said, "Well, I love my husband."
Groucho came back with, "I love my cigar, too, but I TAKE it out once in a while."
Man: I'm from Rising Sun.
Groucho: I have a rising son. His name is Arthur and he usually rises about two in the afternoon.
Groucho: Is your wife of Italian extraction too?
Man: No, she's a Slav, Groucho.
Groucho: Well, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure with a little practice you can teach her to be neater.
Groucho: How did you meet your wife?
Man: A friend of mine.
Groucho: Do you still regard him as a friend?
From Duck Soup
Margaret Dumont: The future of Freedonia rests on you. Promise me you'll follow in the footsteps of my husband.
Groucho: How do you like that? I haven't been on the job five minutes and already she's making advances to me. Not that I care. Where is your husband?
Dumont: Why he's dead.
Groucho: I bet he's just using that as an excuse.
Dumont: I was with him to the very end.
Groucho: Huh! No wonder he passed away.
Dumont: I held him in my arms and kissed him.
Groucho: Oh, I see. Then it was murder.
Groucho: "Well whadaya say girls? Are we all gonna get married?"
Woman: "All of us? But that's bigamy!"
Groucho: "Yes and it's big of me too. It'll be big of us!"
I've been around so long I can remember Doris Day before she was a virgin.
How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them.
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.
Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill.
I drink to make other people interesting.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
I'm out of breath