Gore: According to recent polls,
I blow you away in the '74-76 year old woman with purple hair' demographic.
Bush: That a minority opinion
Gore: I love minorites. I voted for
NAFTA...
Bush: Youre not the only one who voted
for important acronyms
Gore: ...and I can breakdance!
Bush: Stop cuttin' me off. And breakdancin'
went out in the 90s!
Gore: So did your father!
Bush: Somebody here is a just a liiiiil
bit jealous that their father didn't make it inta the highest office!Gore:
He coulda been a contender!
Bush: Mr Gore Sr. wishes he coulda
traded places with Mr Bush Sr.
Gore: Hey, I know everything there
is to know about the trade deficit, except whether it matters, and how
to solve it
Bush: I know everything there is to
know about attention deficit. I've been diagnosed!
Gore: Then listen carefully. You listen
too America! Under Bush's tax plan, only 2% minus 1% of the richest Americans
will benefit.
Bush: No more fuzzy math! It's not
the only fuzzy thing you boys have hangin' around the White House. But
I know you love your Skipper.
Gore: Tipper!
Bush: I was close. So Mr. Gere, do
you think Mr Clinton woulda made Ms. Lewinski get an abortion if he'd knocked
her up?
Gore: He couldn't have knocked her
up. They didn't have sex.
Bush: That's not what the cigar is
telling all its friends.
Gore: (oh no. he's making
them laugh. Quick Al!) All right, how many Jews does it take to
screw in a light bulb? (get them thinking about Lieberman
again)
Bush: Know how much it costs to power
a light bulb these days? Me neither, but I bet Cheney could tell us. I
know it's alot. Too bad the Asians don't have oil in anything but their fried rice!
Gore: What have you done for us lately J.R?
Bush: That's G.B. Least I know my own initials
A.J. Lemme tell you somethin' Clinton-hugger, I'm not runnin' no negatory
campaign.
Gore: I got stuck with Clinton! You
think I liked that guy? Always took the last piece of pizza, the last hor
d'oeuvre, the last pot brownie…
Bush: I knew it!
Gore: You would cokehead!
Bush: burnout!
Gore: ah, but are you more burnt out now
than you were 8 minus 1 years ago?
Bush: Quit it with the fuzzy math!
Gore: I invented math. If it were fuzzy,
I'd know it.
Bush: Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear…
Gore: (oh no. he's making
them laugh again. Cmon, cmon, loosen up.) So does anyone wanna hear
Doe a Deer on the piano? I look incredibly sexy playing it.
Bush: read my lips!
Gore: is that a yes or a no?
Bush: no.
Gore: You see! You see! I say YES to America.
YES to a better world. YES to peace love and happiness. YES to enlightenment.
Bush: You born again Buddhist. I intend
to be the enlightenment and education president! So I'm a wee rusty on
history and math. There's still home economics and geography!
Gore: And speaking of geography, who's been
livin' in the White House huh huh!
Bush: Anyone with a checkbook and a workin'
pen can move in there. We're not impressed.
Gore: All that money is going to save social
security, which I'm going to put in a lockbox.
Bush: Yeah but which one of us is more likely
to forget the combination to that lockbox!
Gore: You'd spend 10 billion minus a billion
dollars on a weapon to blow it open!
Bush: Now yer just bein' catty.
Gore: Hey is that Nader scratching at the
door?
Bush: G-d dang, that boy is persistent.
Gore: I'm just glad we have Janet Reno's
men covering the entrance.
Bush: Thank ya Jesus.. I'm happier
than a down home Southern boy at his family reunion of three.
Gore: Let's be happy that Ventura didn't
want to speak. He'd pull that door right off the hinges! (if
I say that governors shouldn't run for president, I could knock Clinton and Bush in one shot! But then everyone will think I'm a sourpuss. I am the master of my meanness. must...stay...in...control)
Bush: Amen to that.
Gore: G-d dang. Thank ya Jesus. Amen. You're
just a little Christian Coalition mini Messiah arentcha? (oops)
Bush: Who started the Hava Nagila conga
line in the Lincoln bedroom?
Gore: I was just trying to make Joe comfortable!
Bush: I'm uncomfortable with that Nasser
fella tryin' to get in. I just heard him call me a "Corporate Capitalist
Cookie Cutter" and you "The Scourge of The Progressive Left"
Gore: Don't pay any attention to his fuzzy
English. He's already been canned as a candidate. Did I tell you folks
how I feel the pain of an Altoona woman who has to collect cans in order
to pay for her Medicare prescriptions?
Bush: Her son offered to pay them bills.
She's just tryin' to keep herself entertained during them times when the
Home Shopping Club is runnin' a baseball card marathon.
Gore: Speaking of marathons and baseball,
I'm in great shape. I was a school athlete.
Bush: Why don't you get your wife to go
to the gym?
Gore: At least people know who my wife is!
Bush: Can't miss her!
Gore: I'm the only one who knows your
wife because I'm the only one who takes out books anymore!
Bush: I'm glad you read so much. Read my
lips: Ask not what yer country will do for you but what you can do for
yer country!
Gore: You're plagiarizing!
Bush: Excuse me. I believe Canada's line
was "Ask not what yer country can do for you but what you
can do for yer country"
Gore: now who's being fuzzy!
Bush: Fuzzy wuzzy was a bear…
Gore: How many Jewish bankers would it take
to keep the budget balanced?
Bush: I intend to take the budget surplus
and set it aside to fund my reelection campaign in 2004.
Gore: I intend to do the same.
Bush: Now who's plagiarizing!
Gore: I was going to say that before you!
I even stored this speech on my computer. I want my laptop!
Bush: I want my daddy!