Ouch! I broke my toe. It's all your fault turning down my repeated requests for a piggy back. Trusting me to walk on my own. Yeah I learned how to walk but that was over twenty years ago dammit.
What happened you ask?(I asked for you) Please select from the following choices:
1)I was not wearing my toe protectors. An ounce of prevention and a pinch of stitch in thyme…
2)A cartoon character with only three toes unsuccessfully tried to pull off one of mine. In self-defense, I pushed him off a 500 foot cliff. He's fine. Don't worry.
3)While practicing for my Rockettes audition I put a hole in the ceiling (no there was never a fixture there. I put the hole there with my amazing acrobatics)(you better wipe off that smirk before I kick you)
4)In the midst of some aggressive hokey pokeying (sometimes I'm a painful show off) at the Goldfarb bar mitzvah,  I shook my right toe all about (unfortunately the bone went in and out). Still, I was able to steal the spotlight from Shmuel which is all that matters.
5) Roses are red, My toe is blue,  But gee, that's a sexy stiletto shoe.

All right. All right. I walked into a table! They're not as conspicuous as you think. Have you ever seen those dollhouse tables? Of course that's not what I walked into but it's a perfectly good example of a table that's inconspicuous.

I can't run a marathon. I can't kickbox. I can't do ballet. As the old joke goes, I wasn't planning on doing any of those things anyway but it still hurts! Actually it doesn't hurt at all if I don't move. So I really don't have to much adjust my lifestyle. The real bummer is that when I fidget I twiddle my toes.  I've since taken up knuckle cracking. I'm having trouble cracking the one on my index finger. I'm going to try knocking it against the wall. No I was not trying to crack my toe knuckle.
I need a new toe. If Luke Skywalker can get a new hand I can get a new toe.  That's what really happened- a light saber accident. Maybe the saber is light for some people but it was too heavy for me and I dropped it. Thing should have a safety on it. You put your light saber in, you put your light saber out, you put light saber in and you shake it all about...(who turned on the strobe?)

Alec Guinness died. We affectionately know him as Obiwan Kenobi, and we all knew he was Obiwan before Luke did. Even hanging out with the likes of Chewbacca, Luke still seemed kinda slow. I knew Darth was his father too but only because some idiot in the movie theatre had to go and tell everyone. Anyway, don't grieve for Obiwan. He's fine. Don't worry.  Jedi heaven.
I'm going to Jedi Heaven. I stood on line for hours getting tickets for the sequels- I'm going to Jedi Heaven.  The movie spoiler guy- he's not going to Jedi Heaven.  He's going into the monster stomach pit thing. It's a good place for him- he can tell everyone who's thrown in after what it feels like to be digested 50 feet down.

08-17-00
 

An archaeological dig at a Shaker village unearthed beer bottles, whiskey containers,  perfume, and hair tonic. This may come as a shock to those who thought the Shakers were a bunch of prudes.  Who ever stopped to think where the name "Shaker" came from? And why was their furniture so sturdy huh? Sexy Stuff. It's always the pious ones.
The Shakers allegedly valued celibacy over marriage. This differs from nonShakers who recognize celibacy as a function of marriage.

Some microbrained microbiologist fella has engineered the bad bacterium that causes cavities to stop doing its dirty work. He hopes to produce a solution of this modified bacteria that would then be sprayed onto peoples teeth. That's great, I just hope it's sweet. I always look for the polio vaccine in the juice aisle.

08-24-00

I come from an active family. Instead of walking up the stairs to say something, we use the different household phone lines to call each other up. Below is a reenactment of a conversation last Sunday.
Me (watching TV): What is this?
Mom: I don't know.
(picture a "Leave It To Beaver" type show updated to include such hot topics as HIV, MP3, and starving children in Somaliopia)
Me: This is terrible!
Mom: I know.
Me: Well change the channel.
Mom: I don't want to get up to get the remote.
Me: Then we're going to sit here and watch this
Mom: Ok
Me: Get up mom!
Mom: I'm not getting up.
TV: We must do something about the starving Somaliopians. How about a food drive?
Me: That does it. (goes and grabs remote)
Mom: Change the channel.
Me: Oh I will. I'm going to punish you for being so lazy. (flicks through channels over and over again)
Me(calls to dad in kitchen): Dad, what are the nudie channels?
Dad: 67, 68, and (not surprisingly) 69.
(Picture a "Leave it to Beaver" type show updated to include such hot numbers as Tiffany X,  Blonde Bootie and Heather "the gaping esophagus" Johnson)
Mom: Debbie, shut that off.
Me: I will not. You have to get up.
Debbie dials her brother on the phone
Me(to bro): Come downstairs and watch some porn with mom and me

Carnivore, Wiretaps…at least they don't have legs!
I'm about to take a shower when I spot a pesky mosquito buzzing around the bathroom mirror. I locked it inside the middle cabinet before realizing my face cream was locked away with it. I can't take a shower without lathering moisturizer all over my cheeks. I keep the water temperature above the temperature inside your average blue star so I need the moisturizer to keep my skin from melting. I refuse to get naked and be a walking smorgasbord for this starved insect so I tried in vain to swat the little bloodsucker with the Dixie cup dispenser. When that attempt failed miserably, I took inventory of the various cleaners under the sink. I immediately realized that the Pine Sol dispenser could be finely tuned into a sharp stream. Take that! I was a tad impulsive in my shooting and the bug ended up plastered on the ceiling corner way beyond my reach. The next day my mother vacuumed it up but I wanted to keep it there. Like the moose hunters mount the moose head. Before you decide that my exploit is unimpressive you just remember that there's no impending danger from the West-Nile-Virus-carrying elk.

08-31-00

The other day at Waldbaums I had 23 grapes on the house (stop fretting, there's plenty leftover). Now I want to film an expose on indifference to aggressive grape sampling at the supermarket. I heard it through the grapevine that your average Joe could taste the greens and the purples indefinitely. But something doesn't add up. Is it conceivable that a person could eat out the grape section for free? What if one were to go with a friend, lie on the produce floor, and have their accomplice feed them the grapes? Where, if anywhere, be the limit?
Perhaps there's a deeper issue here. Maybe the grapes are an entitlement. For all the food products that looked good in the picture but didn't live up to expectation. For all the ice cream that was obviously melted and refrozen. For all the baked goods that were dated fresh but were green and purple on the bottom. For all the gum snapping cashiers that do price checks on gum. Show me to my vineyard!

I slowly become more bananas each time I visit my parents. It's the minutiae, such as my mother's banana purchasing practices. Because bananas are never ripe when you want to eat them and overripen before you get to the tenth one, it's foolish to buy a ton of bananas at once. And I don't want my dad eating all the bananas. Have you ever seen a slim gorilla? And it's by a slim margin that I can make it anywhere on time. My mother insists on being my alarm clock. And she does this when I'm in a weakened tired state. "You want me to wake you up tomorrow," she chimes. "Nah I can set my alarm," I slur back. "I don't mind." Well I mind not being woken up on time. Or worse yet, she thinks I'm underrested and can't bear to disturb my sleep. She's fruitless at reveille. If my mother were 540-WAKE there'd be a class action suit against her.

09-07-00

Don't you wish that when you let an unmistakably goofy comment slip out, your friends would let you get away with it? No such luck when I accidentally said, "I don't give a potato" instead of "I don't give a F***" (swift bowdlerizing job!) My follow-up defense was unmistakably goofier. "That's my Irish-Idaho retort," I claimed.  (as opposed to the French retort "I don't give a fry")

09-16-00

Special Feature: COMMERCIALISM
This is where I rate & discuss commercials I like or dislike.  A ten oyster rating is terrible. A one oyster rating is also bad. I do not like oysters. Jewish people have to stop complaining.

I hate the ad for Mccalls Magazine where they make a big hoopla over the free gift. With every paid subscription you receive a "faux pearl necklace." Fee Fi Faux Fum, the necklace is fake, not faux, vous scum! Of course I'm no expert in pearl necklaces. When I was in high school a friend gossiped to me, "I heard Craig gave Lauren* a pearl necklace." So naturally I replied "Oh, that's nice", understanding full well how much Jewish women enjoy gifts of jewelry. My friend started laughing at me for not knowing what a pearl necklace was. It wasn't an actual pearl necklace she was referring to. At that age, I hadn't heard about the faux pearl necklace. Well aware of the faux orgasm but that was about it. I was pissed that she pulled rank. As if she knew everything (she did. that ho bag). Kids are so faux in high school. They're all fauxllowers, every last one. I'm stuck on "faux"- for chrissakes, someone say five.

*these are their real names. Fuck 'em.
** parental advisory: this wobservation contains explicit lyrics and lewd subject matter***
***if you want to know what a pearl necklace is, you're going to have to ask a ho bag, like I did.

09-23-00

Boohooey. My hard drive crashed. It was an old and cheap; but I pride myself on prolonging the life of my electronics so they can grow older and cheaper. It's your duty to console me so please vote with your conscience. (I'm not sure where it's located. Did I say I had one?)
 

09-30-00

Funniest Line I Ever Overheard In A Casino: "There goes the kids' tuition!"
I know someone who recently won $3000 at the slots and  is now convinced they're magic. Sure I've poured alot of money into the slots but at least my laundry comes out! I can be a high roller. Once in an Aruban casino I bravely emptied my wallet at the nickle machine.  By the end of the night they were comping my tap water.  Just once when playing the slots and coming up with two cherries and one halfway cherry I'd like a light to go on and flash "TILT."

10-06-00

Equity in Priceline.com, long considered an E-commerce bellwether, has plummeted from its 52 week high of over $100 to below $6. Can we now name our own price for the stock? Don't worry investors! You can auction off your certificates on Ebay! And they'll catch up with all those company traitors who sold off large blocs of their shares ahead of the bad news. Sure they're on a plane leaving the country but they bought the cheap stopover flight tickets. Let's head them off in Paris! Although Captain Kirk might be difficult to trail. By the way, Mr Spock says the stock market is illogical.

P.S. Look for the 10/10 full page wobservation on page 9 (I couldn't put it on page 10. How many tens do you want. Is math that hard for you!)

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