6-20-00

Los Alamos: Bomb's Away
Permit me to hazard a guess that the overwhelming majority of troubling security breaches are perpetrated in environments where security is notably lax(relative to what is at stake). If I worked in a top secret nuclear lab I'd let them put
a freaking tracking device around my lower leg. Ideally it would be dainty looking like a rhinestone anklet. But I'd leave that up to wardrobe. Apparently the sign-out procedure wasn't nearly as rigid as the sign-in. What is it- a treehouse club?!  Other than foul play, an equally plausible scenario could be that an employee took the drives to work on them at home and understandably panicked when the investigation began. Am I the only one who thinks like a criminal? If you've innocently
taken top secret information and you need to unload it in a jiffy, do you really want to dump it behind a copy machine? I mean, doesn't that leave the wrong impression? What you want to do is further the credibility of an inocuous theft. The idea that a well-intentioned scientist took the drives home to get ahead on his assignments so that he could spend his workday doing more productive things like spinning in his office chair, pressing a red button novelty item, and shouting "KABLOOEY." What you do is you create a directory on the hard drive entitled "Da bomb" and in it you put pictures of your favorite porn stars engaging in explosions of a lesser kind.
Make love, not war.

6-27-00

Special Feature: COMMERCIALISM
This is where I rate & discuss commercials I like or dislike. A five star rating is excellent, a zero star rating means 'don't even bother to whip out the telescope.' I may not be able to tell you what product is advertised in said commercial. What do you think- I study these things.  This is the way it is! plop plop fizz fizz.
Commercial with Captain from "Deep Space Nine"- Rating: One Starship
Before we proceed, let me just say that he looks much more captainly without hair. Captain Piccard. Captain Stubing. No hair. And I, for one, believe Captain Kangaroo wore a toupee. So anyway, DS9 dude makes a point that we were promised flying cars by the year 2000. He goes on to say we don't need flying cars because we have the Internet. Easy for him to say. He can go at warp speed whenever he damn well pleases. Some of us are stuck at 55mph because we don't want a license with more points than a cactus. I remember reading about someone who was engineering small flying vehicles for the general public. Fully equipped with peanuts and playing cards. Screw the space plan. The aliens are probably hostile. Let's stick with the friendly skies.

7-04-00 (I, for one, am damn proud of our ramparts) (Damn ashamed that I don't know what the heck a rampart is)

The battle of yummy versus yucky has been around as long as the battle of good versus evil, boxers versus briefs, the frosted side versus the wheat side. And that's what we're talkin' about here. Food. (evil, boxers, and the frosted side…in case you were wondering about my preferences)
Yummy
Hostess cupcakes with gold cake. Yes. Twinkies and hostess cupcakes have successfully procreated. I'm a chocoholic. I need chocolate to temper my bad mood. But you can have too much of a good thing. I don't want to be too nice to people. Especially when there's only one cupcake left. This is the best idea from Hostess since the crème-free cupcake, which unfortunately was short-lived. I don't really like the crème (and that doesn'tmake me less of a woman!) Support your local dentist and gym. Try this cupcake.
Yucky
Lightlife Savory Seitan. This is "meat from wheat" as it's advertised on the box. There's no such thing unless you suck the burger out of a bun. Regardless, I did extend this product my culinary leap of faith. Never mind that it had the consistency of a piece of gum that you've been chewing on for 10 hours (not as much flavor though) It was like eating a tire (well somebody has to recycle them). It comes bathed in this BBQ sauce that's thinner than Kate Moss on Yom Kippur. I should know better than to buy something that doesn't have the word "yummy" on it ('savory' is nothing but a fancy shmancy synonym). Stick with desert. Lightlife Savory Seitan is utterly unpalatable (that's a fancy shmancy synonym for 'yucky'). They say the Ice Age made man carnivorous. I think it was this stuff.

7-11-00

Recently two people brought up me and the show "Survivor" in the same breath. This is a bit shocking considering my general aversion to roughing it in the great outdoors. I would kick myself off the island. Not only would I be the first person voted off, they'd all be pointing at me and breathing heavily like the clan in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers."
I take one look at the island and I'm not gushing over nature. I'm thinking indoor plumbing, evolution, hotels, gambling! I've actually never seen the program but the plotlines are circulating. Someone on the show ate a rat. I'd so do that.  Chop off the tail and head, cut it into filets, barbeque it, put it on a sesame seed bun and just don't tell me what the hell it is.  OK I'll be the one who wears the evening gowns. They never gave Ginger the boot now did they.  Someone's gotta look pretty.
Speaking of nature in its brutish form, a friend recently asked me how fish survive if they eat their young. It's a volume thing I imagine. At a certain point mommy dearest has to go the medicine cabinet for alka seltzer. Then the survivors make a break for it. (how come there's no t.v. program about this?)  I believe there is a species of fish whose eggs are fertilized in the mouth (give a poor fella a chance!) Anyway, I once had a fish that gave birth and no sooner than the guppy came out did the conceiver swallow it hole. If she had just asked me for fish flakes, I would've gladly given them to her. It's like she hadn't eaten a meal in weeks. Wat up wit dat! When mommy fish tells her baby fish she wants them to get married and bear children, is this so she can have hors d'oeuvres? If mommy fish wants something nasty for lunch, there's plenty of rodent leftover.  Maybe I should've drained the water and filled the tank with lemon dill.
It's a cruel world folks. Bring mace.

7-19-00

I'm feeling zany. That's insany with a Z. I'm messaging people with Barbara Streisand lyrics. Memories, like the corners of my mind…
I'm just not convinced a mind has corners. Your lyricist should always consult with a topologist.
Of course I only remember a few lines per tune & I can't recall a single song from Yentl. See I didn't like that movie. Dressing up as a man to go study the Bible. I have no respect for that. In "Just One of The Guys", the female lead pretends to be male and gets into the boy's locker room. Now that's a noble cause. As long as you don't hold the Torah with wet nails, aint no reason why a girlie can't be no scholar of scripture. I myself know the eleven commandments by heart. Yep.  It's true- there's a little known eleventh commandment.  It's short, just two words.
"Yeah right."
That's it. Explains perfectly why we're not all burning in the realm of fire and brimstone and hickory chips (mmm, smells good)
And for my last licks of ludicrous lit (not to be confused with wit) I give you this
>
(that's Barbara Streisand's profile. You're slow today)
(I could've done her left profile but I thought it should be a 'greater than')
 
7-26-00

My old pedestal fan has cooties(No need to send a card. It'll blow away). I haven't cleaned it because I can't open it. My mom can do it because nothing will stand in the way of her dusting. My mother would dust outer space if she could. Otherwise most of us need Bob Villa, a crowbar, or an Arabian Nights incantation to get the fan open. Why can't they just use Velcro? I have air conditioning but I like the direct breeze of a fan. Which brings me to another issue. What is the point of having the fan rotate? So you'll appreciate the air more when you get it? Maybe you're sitting next to someone who wants the air too. Let them get their own &*%& fan. $19.95 Kmart. Better yet, here's a piece of paper. Crash course in Origami.

8-03-00

The Miss Kiss
You know what I'm talking about. The one that misses your cheek or lip by a clear kilometer. Men take aim when they smooch. The next time a woman air kisses you, be prepared with a snappy comeback.
"Hey, you just got lipstick on that oxygen molecule."
"I get a juicier kiss from a stamp."
"I'm with you. No kissing. Let's skip straight to insertion."
"I thought your disease wasn't communicable"
"My disease isn't communicable."

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