It's official. I'm the ticket
master. You want tickets, ride shotgun with me.
I can't drive 55 (I've clocked snails at 57. Come on people)
I figured out why I got this ticket, aside from being repressed by the man. Bad carma. I ditched my faithful Toyota for a newer Nissan and vehicles, they remember desertion. I saw "Christine." I know the deal.
I am currently accepting applications for chauffeur. I'll take anyone. As long as you never worked for Di and Dodi, it's all good. As if the ticket wasn't bad enough. There was roadwork and I had take a serpentine detour in Yaphank in pitch black. Know how Yaphank got named?
"Can I borrow your mower Joe?"
That was after a different ticket. Speed isn't the only thing I can't keep track of.
So I'm telling my friend Fluffo* about how nice the officer was. I wondered if maybe I should've sucked up or plead hysterical female (that comes easy to me).
This is a transcript of the conversation I had with Fluffo. It's not only fairly accurate but it's 100% true that he reiterated his premise at least three times, until finally it went from definite to maybe. That wasn't good enough for me. I practically hung up on Fluffo for being such a fluffball.
Fluffo: Any cop who pulls you over will ask you if you know what you did wrong. If you're honest with a cop about how fast you were going, he won't give you a ticket.
REPEAT FLUFFO'S LINES THREE TIMES
Debbie: There's no consistency. Sometimes you just get off. They don't always ask you that question.
Fluffo: The only time I ever got off was when I told the truth about how fast I was going.
Debbie: You're a fluffball**. Obviously it won't help if you piss a cop off but you're not getting out of a ticket just for telling the truth. You don't really believe that.
Fluffo: Debbie I've had 21 points on my license. I know what I'm talking about.
Debbie: You fluffball. Tell you what. Go test your theory. Speed, get pulled over, and tell the truth about how fast you were going. You really think this works?
Fluffo: Well it does sometimes.
Debbie: You're a fluffball.
*not the actual name
**not the actual F word used.
Cast your vote into this drive
by ballot box (you'll have to slow down)
Let's see how fast this baby can work
A sprinkling of WAT IS DIT*
*This means "what is it?" in Frisian. It must suck to be so monolingual.
Hamilton Beach HealthSmart
Grill and Free Knife Set - $49.99 (Originally $99.98)
Stab the health nuts. Show them that they don't live longer.
Logical Journey of the Zoombinis
$4.99 (Originally $9.99)
I'm guessing this has to do with mapping out the ice before you clean it. You want to avoid a zigzag pattern and stick to concentric motion.
$25 Instant Rebate on Any
Satellite TV System - Free! (Originally $25.00)
FREE WOBSERVATIONS! (Originally they cost you something)
You always hear about the get
rich quick scheme. I'm not about that. I can wait for the bucks to roll
in. I'm writing a book entitled "How To Get Rich Slowly Using Widely Accepted
Petit Larceny: Those Sugar Packets and Hotel Towels Add Up"
Don't steal my book. Empty your anorexic wallet and buy it.
I'm glad to hear the Enforma diet people emptied their fat wallets to pay $10 mil for false ad claims. I know- Caveat Emptor- but the first time I saw the infomercial for "Exercise in A Bottle" I wondered if the bottle weighed 100 lbs. Exercise in a Bottle- makes me think of I Dream of Genie doing stomach crunches. For all the diet hopefuls out there, I have compiled a short list of ways you can eat whatever you want without gaining weight.
a)bulimia (cud chewing would defeat purpose)
b)post-meal dismemberment (legs first. you want your arms to eat with)
c)mission to Mars (please don't eat the powdered powder donuts on the way)
d)run marathons (piggybacks disqualified)