They've trademarked "Search Made Simple."  Recently I was sifting through millenium items (well it's all on sale now) and I saw that "1-01-00" had been trademarked. (Yeah by a CPU register!)
Search made simple.
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(who the hell would want to trademark that!)


I think it's unspeakably funny (laugh on the inside) that the way you say "What is it?" in Frisian is "Wat is Dit?" Frisian is the official language of Frisia (it's a cold country)
So this week, I bring you a segment that I will call "Wat is Dit". If this bothers you and you want to complain, I will only accept emails written in Frisian. It might take a few weeks for me to respond (however long the frisian immersion course lasts). Ive extracted some product offers from my spam-mail and I've decided to debate the wat-is-dit part with the retailer.

Wat is Dit?
Orange Glo Starter Kit - $19.97 (Originally $30.99)
This 5-piece Orange Glo kit makes Spring cleaning a breeze!
Because you're a small country in need of nuclear capability.

Convert a $30 Promise Ultra66 to a $100 Promise FastTrak66 RAID
Because next week we're coming out with the UltraFastTrak for $130. That's a promise.

Plush Bunny Rabbit - $9.99 (Originally $4.99)
This sweet little stuffed bunny rabbit is perfect for Spring cuddling!
Because you're too ugly and too broke for a Playboy bunny.

Space Bag Combo - $17.95 (Originally $35.95)
This Spring, the Space Bag Combo is the best way to store winter coats and sweaters!
Because you ran out of dramamine on the Space Shuttle

Dat dit, folks!

4-08-00 (Like a loose woman doing Kegel exercises, this wobz has been adjusted for tightness)

So I'm talking to my friend, the prince of pork, about how Emeril traveled to Philly to do a Food Channel special,went into a place called "The House of Pork", and delivered one of his signature lines- appropriately,  "Pork fat rules." This friend eats pork, bacon, and jello almost every week and is constantly sharing his unsolicited recipes with me. Well I'm not into pigs (beyond my dates) nor is it a kashrut or Rastafarian issue. Simply stated- Let the other person have the other white meat. So my friend starts begging to go to Philly to visit the House of Pork.
So I sez, "Go outside and walk back into your apartment. House of Pork."
Same friend starts acting like a little kid, all giddy about the imminent concert. Three acts: Kiss-Ted Nugent-Skid Row. (can you smell the pork?). KISS Farewell Tour- puhleaze. Kiss are like Castro(only the signs at their concert read "LOVE GUN" not "ELIAN")  I told my friend that it was probably sold out already and that if it did sellout, it sold out within days. But he kept a nudgin', until I went online to Ticketmaster. Three words.
KISS my ass!
I hate Ticketmaster. If they have only single tickets left they don't post "Sold out." Masturbation can be done in a group of one, not a concert!  Goofs.  Gets better when I call up.
Me: "I want six seats."
Female Rep*: "We have less than six seats."
"How many do you have?"
"Let's see. 0<1<2<3<4<5<6. Yep. MMM HMM. No need to consult with Euclid. That's correct."

*moonlights as aeronautics engineer. card carrying member of MENSA (Aren't they all)

Stay tuned for Tickets Part II and find out about the traffic cop who pulled his love gun on me(coming next week)

4/17/00  [I'm moving "Tickets Part II" to next week (it's called an adjournment)]

You always hear those stories about the janitor who's really a rocket scientist in his spare time.
How come you never hear about the aeronautics engineer** who steals away in the middle of the night, breaks into peoples' houses and waxes their kitchen floors.

**I say to the moon with aeronautics engineers. They do all the work and then they don't get to go. It's like, what's Houston's problem? For the record, I am not picking on aeronautics engineers. I have no idea how peanut butter and jelly ended up inside their pocket protectors. They should be grateful it isn't powdered.