by Wowoman
a wobservation is a wacky observation. Look it up. If it's not there, why don't you buy a bigger dictionary tightwad
1-21-00
On the LIRR I notice a poster for a drama called "Britannic." The ad copy reads "The untold true story of the tragic fate of the Titanic's sister ship." Would they have us believe the entire family of ships was cursed. Next they'll write about the brother ship, the Kennedy.
1-29-00
NC-17
The founder of Kelloggs once
promoted Corn Flakes as a deterrent to masturbation.
Q: what did he expect people
to do if they were out of milk?
2-4-00
The Best And Worst of Alternative
Energy Products:
Radio that is powered by motor
energy:
You turn the hand crank for
a certain amount of time and you get music for a certain amount of time.
Beautiful. I love listening to music while I exercise.
score:supernova
Flashlight that runs on solar
energy:
Hello? Y'know, there was a
scene in the Blair Witch Project where everyone yells at Josh for bringing
this.
score: that cheap crappy colored
star that got put on your grade school papers. Wasn't even self-sticking.
2-11-00
In Moscow, a 40% rise was decreed
for the minimum price of vodka.
Not smart. Not smart. In a
troubled country, the last thing you want is alot of poor sober people.
Let me tell you a pravda story
about "The Smirnoff Seven", a small group of well-intentioned revolutionaries.
Alas, they had a little drinking problem. Half the group wouldn't show
up at the meetings because the floor wasn't clean. While they dreamed up
very colorful expletives for their picket signs, when they started chanting,
you couldn't understand a word they were saying. 10% of the gun budget
was spent on aspirin. The group drifted apart when one day a certain member
brought in orange juice. Before long it was mixed drinks and some of the
older members of the group started to feel that the cause was being diluted.
Three of the members went off and formed "The Screwdriver Seven" but they
just didn't have the same kick as the original.
2-19-00
Men are dogs. Always dissecting
women into parts. There are so called "ass men" (kind of redundant), "breast
men"…so I'm wondering, in the dog world… Is there any dog out there that
isn't a "legs man"?
I was thinking about this
when my mom brought up a certain incident. It was about the tenth time
my mother told me this exact story. She loves to retell the same stories.
My mother could get amnesia, forget my name but she'd still have these
same stories for me. My mother could get Alzheimer's, think my name is
Powder Puff, but she'd still have these same stories for me. My dog's name
was Powder Puff. (well he was a poodle not a pitbull! So he got beat up
a little in the obedience school playground. No big deal.) My parents gave
Powder Puff away when I was five. I think he's still alive even if it means
he's like 5010 in dog years. The last physical news we heard of him, he'd
broken his leg. Nancy Kerrigan is fine. Powder Puff is 5010.
Apparently one summer Powder
Puff was lost. In a strange twist of events months later, my mother spotted
him being walked by a little girl. It was during the umpteenth retelling
of the story that my mother mentioned that the dog had been renamed. Not
"Butch." Not "Spot."
Ephraim. My dog Powder Puff
had been renamed "Ephraim." Even now I keep picturing my dog in a yarmulke
(which is even worse than those dog sweaters). Ephraim. (Well he's ok in
the playground now except that all the German Shepherds are giving him
dirty looks)
2-25-00
Drop me mail. Where does this
figure of speech come from? "Drop me mail." Drop? I'm paranoid enough-
Man I scribble "fragile" on my postcards.
What's next? "Bend me a photo"
instead of "Send me a photo"?
3-03-00
On a VH1 bio of John Lennon they profiled John and Yoko's "bed in" for peace. No kidding. They checked into a Hilton and didn't get out of bed, all in the name of peace. Let's join the movement! (or lack thereof) Call into work and tell them you're not getting out of bed until the swords are beaten into plowshares, or the uzis are beaten into television remotes, whichever comes first. If you don't work at "sleepy's", this might not go over too well. So the next thing you say to your boss should be "Do you want to go to bed with me?" If you're not of the opposite sex and extremely attractive, this might not go over too well. So the next thing you say to your boss should be, "All I am saying is give peace a chance." If you have a good singing voice even better. You may encounter some hostility to the tune of "If you don't get your F*******G A** into work in 15 minutes, you're fired." In a last ditch effort you say "Imagine there's no workforce. I wonder if you can. Let's all move down to Florida. And only work on our tan." You'll probably get extended vacation time.
3-10-00
You patrician priss!
Martha Stewart: "Do you like
freshly ground coffee? Do you enjoy freshly ground pepper? Well, here's
a tip for you so your coffee won't taste like spices. Get two grinders.
Now take a piece of tape and mark one grinder 'coffee only' and the other
mark 'spices only.' You'll never have a problem again."
Wake up and smell the pepper
woman! I feel sorry for Mr. Martha Stewart. There are probably little pieces
of tape all over Martha's body. "Tongue only", "Finger only..."
Martha Stewart preserves everything.
She should work at a hospital cutting out organs and canning them. The
heart would go inside a glass jar filled with fragrance free formaldehyde.
The contents of the jar would be vacuum sealed and covered with a decorative
cheesecloth. And finally, a red ribbon tied into a big happy bow so that
the recipient knows you care. You can also add a little note that reads
"My heart goes out to you" or some other sweet nothing.
Her guest wasn't any more
helpful. "Don't buy a yellow chicken", he warned. When's the last time
you paid good change for a white twinkie?
Guy was really skilled with
a blade though. I was kinda hoping he'd puncture Martha but there's no
provision for a knife entry point on her body tape.
Related Event:
I saw a commercial on TV advertising
chicken fried chicken and I wondered if it tastes like chicken...
