2-15-01

A buddy of mine has brought something very important to my attention. There's a new club I'm dying to join, even if it's for all the wrong reasons.. I'm not a bit ashamed that I'm trying to get into a support group for men with large penises. I applaud the efforts of the Large Penis Support Group (LPSG.org) not that such men really have to exert all that much effort, if you know what I mean!
As a woman, I think it's important that I show my support for these poor disadvantaged souls. If there aren't seats leftover, I'm perfectly willing to make the sacrifice of sitting on someone's lap. These men need reassurance. I'm here for you fellas! I have my donation right here- should I send it in the mail or just oil it and stick it on you? I'd rather do the latter so I can save on postage. Either way I want a ticket to "speedo night."

Like any group, the lpsg isn't without it's problems...

My BIG Ballot Box
What is the *biggest* challenge of the LPSG?

Overcoming penis envy (sure women may not tell you but that extra foot makes all the difference!)
Showing member ID card to nonmembers is a misdemeanor
I don't care. They didn't let me in. (It was a matter of millimeters I tell you, millimeters!)
I can't go with my husband because they don't offer wheelchair access.
the large ass support group (lasg). We don't formally meet but it's the biggest club I know of!
Recruiting endowed eskimos. (that thing about the cold is true. Who knew?!)


View Results

2-22 (did I stutter?)

Gratuitous Display Of Nightwear (as opposed to a nongratituous display of nightwear, which would be me in my flannel pajamas with the ice-skating pig pattern. Pigs ice skate, the ones that escape from the oven anyway. Here comes the ham...)
I'm allowed to be photographed in my gratuitous display of nightwear while I'm still young and unwrinkled. Check how old and wrinkled my teddy is. It's silk and I don't dare put an iron to it. You don't want me touching an iron (that would seem obvious). The first thing I ever ironed well was a shoe. That was back when plastic "jelly shoes" were in style and before irons automatically turned off. You would think the shoe would've walked away when it saw the iron coming. I also have some difficulty with bleach. This teddy used to be pink. Speaking of pink and bleach, I was once using bleach to tie die a t shirt. It hadn't occurred to me that my roommates carpet wasn't a good place to set up shop. Before I knew it, I'd blanched her salmon pink carpet fragment. It was nice as far as carpet fragments go and I was nervous about telling her. Before breaking the news, I went out to buy her a container of rit dye in salmon pink, a package of her favorite snoball cakes (no I didn't bleach those too!) and a box of smokes. Much to my surprise, the unveiling of our new tie die carpet fragment met with no ill will. She was so thrilled that I bought her a pack of cigarettes. You have to love chain smokers, you really do. They're like inmates who think of cigarettes as currency for everything. No I didn't bleach the rolling paper, will you quit heckling me!

 

Look! I repotted my jade plant Herbert. Now he has room to grow. Halle, my tropical plant, is looking very green (what color do plants turn when they're nauseous?) only she hasn't grown at all. I think she might be a smoker.

Final Comments
It's freezing outside. I'm shivering even with my jacket on. It's a thick jacket man. I could be a linebacker with this jacket. It's supposed to snow today. Snow is against my religion. My people wandered in the desert for 40 years so I think its safe to conclude that snow is against my religion. Of course snow would've been a good idea. Maybe then Moses could've skiied back down the mountain before the Israelites finished the golden calf.  Were there no women artisans? Golden calf. What about 'golden earring'?  That really bugged me. Who worships a calf? Worship a lion. One day you're ordering calf with cheese and the next day you're thanking another calf for providing calf with cheese. That's cold!
That reminds me, it's cold! I'm winter-weary. Actually I do like snow. What I don't like is when the wind chill is "stethoscope."  Send gold! (it's a good heat conductor)

PS In an ongoing effort to confound you, I am going to post new squibs  HERE.

PAGE 11     PAGE 12     PAGE 13     PAGE 14     PAGE 15      PAGE 16     PAGE 17      PAGE CHAI     PAGE 19

HOME    Vot iz Dis Meshugas?