My New Years' accomplice, Ben***, doesn't have the same itinerary as
do I. I think running around the city in military khakis and planting ticking
suitcases is a perfectly reasonable way to spend the holiday. He wants
to keep with the military motif and instead watch "Stripes" at my insistence
that everyone has to see this film at least once.
***bad guys should always use their real names. Because then no one will think it's their real name right? (pretend I'm pointing a gun at you. just nod)
Get your stripes in Stripes by memorizing the following quotes:
"My name is Dewey Oxberger but my friends call me Ox. My doctor says I swallow a lot of aggression, along with alota pizzas. Get it? Pizzas!"
---the late great John Candy as Dewey Oxberger only to be eclipsed by the guy who played "Psycho"
"My name is Francis Sawyer but everyone calls me Psycho. I don't like anyone touching my stuff!!! Any of you touch my stuff….and I'll kill ya. And I don't like anyone touching me! So any of you…hoh-mos…touch me…and I'll kill ya!"
Of course the best was when Psycho cheered on Dewey Oxberger who was
at first getting clobbered by the bevy of mud wrestling beauties before
gaining second wind enough to wildly toss the girls around in the dirt.**
"Beat the s--t out of 'em Ox!"
Of course this section wouldn't be complete without including my brother's favorite excerpt. His "words to live by"...
Sergeant Hulka: Y'know something solider, I notice you're always
Bill Murray (as John Winger): I'm pacing myself sergeant!
Oh stop sulking at my spoilers. You don't have to see the movie now. You're in the club. And speaking of clubs…this is my new business card.
I've provided a FAQ in case there's any confusion.
Pookadoodle Liberation Army
What is the pookadoodle liberation army?
It is as it implies. We toyed with calling ourselves the pookadoodle army of liberation because that spells out P.A.L. We consider ourselves friendly people in spite of our homicidal urges.
What is the agenda of the pookadoodle liberation army?
Again, we feel we've clarified that in the name but oh, all right! We the people of the pookadoodle liberation army are dedicated to the liberation of pookadoodles everywhere.
What is a pookadoodle?
That's not relevant. Already you're trying to discriminate against pookadoodles. Hath not a pookadoodle eyes? If you must know, they have 14 of 'em.
Is the pookadoodle liberation army violent?
Just so you're aware, we started out with picket signs, civil disobedience, and other low-level revolutionary tactics. But we painfully discovered that the world was not taking our cause seriously. We realize now that if it takes iron and blood to liberate the pookadoodles, that's what we'll resort to (can we borrow an iron from someone?)(we'll bring it baaack). Iron and blood is a kind metaphor. If we suspect that you are caging a pookadoodle, we'll blow yer damn noggin' off. That's assuming that the pookadoodle is in no imminent danger and that you are in firing range. Understand it's nothing personal.
How many members are there in the Pookadoodle Liberation Army?
It's difficult to come up with an accurate estimate but offhand, I'd have to say three. Ben, Deb (that's me) and our shy leader who lives in seclusion only to dictate orders to his devoted crusaders. Kind of like Charlie from Charlie's Angels, only far more nefarious. And it isn't that Blake guy from Dynasty.
It's been rumored that one of your high ranking leaders is afraid of
balloons. If this is the case, how can you justify balloon popping as your
primary means of spreading terror?
That's precisely why I can justify balloon popping as the primary means of spreading terror. As a great mind once said, "You have nothing to fear but fear itself." Although I'd add that cockroaches are really friggin' scary. 'Course it'd be impossible to employ roaches as a means of spreading terror when all the local diners have beaten us to that punch. And have you seen the size of them subway rats? Last time I saw three at once, I felt like Goldilocks!
How can I join the Pookadoodle Liberation Army?
Well we are very picky. We can't just accept anyone into the Pookadoodle Liberation Army lest we compromise the integrity of our ideals and the brutality of our methods. Before you can even consider rallying alongside us, you need to do some more research on the cause. And frankly, if you're actually able to dig up information on pookadoodles, you're in! Of course, we might have to summarily dismiss you if you're the kind of person who says "G-d bless you" even before someone has finished sneezing. We find that level of courtesy insufferable.
Why does the Pookadoodle Liberation Army only strike on New Years Eve?
That's a good question. Finally. All your other ones were stupid. The New Year marks the beginning of a New Year, unless you're a lunar calendar wolf or your BIOS battery is dead. What better time to act out your megalomanical fantasies of how the world should be? As an aside, we the people of the Pookadoodle Liberation Army find the falling apple routine in Times Square extremely annoying, and we will do our best this year to Isaac Newton that thing. For the record, we would have no problem with a descending banana. We feel that bananas better reflect the pulse of the city than do apples. I would have the city re-nicknamed "The Big Banana" were it not for the fact that there's a minimart of that exact name not too far from my parents' house.
The following is a list of demands
All pookadoodles held in captivity are immediately released into their native habitat.
One pizza pie, thick crust, slightly undercooked.
One Dell Powerdge 1550 with a lifetime warranty. I don't care how you make it happen, just make it happen.
One Victoria's Secret "Wonders of the World" brassiere (the Miracle Bra is so last year)
How many of these do I get again? I need another piece of paper….
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