This NEWS WOB  is classic onion style (we'll call it 'the scallion' so it can seem original) but let's face it, the news has been parodied since there was news (The Eden Garden Gazette- Adam asks G-d for Mistress. G-d replies, "Let there be SHUTUP") I sez it's OK to plagiarize style so long as the content is chewy. Once read a freelancer's piece entitled "Stoner Finds Meaning Of Life and Then Forgets It." I forgot the rest but it was quite humorous. I used to have this friend in college who wrote for the painful school newspaper. He was sports editor and he couldn't refrain from reading his articles aloud to me and his suitemates. They were well-written in terms of grammar but every short piece followed the same precise formula- the score of the game and some meaningless quote from the coach. Sample: "Wildcats lose 4-2. Coach Mallo commented, 'We have to do better next time.'" We had to bite our tongues to keep from cracking up. I didn't mind mocking him, he was a goof.
And way too overprotective. When we'd get in the elevator, he'd press the button for me, even after I told him to quit it.
I can press an elevator button myself! In fact, I can press ALL OF THEM (heh heh heh). Of course that's only fun in a highrise.
Don't worry, I got my just deserts. The annual family vacation to Florida. I was a tiny tot, deliciously diminutive thank you very much. Almost every day when I'd take the hotel elevator this curmudgeonly old lady would chastise "Your parents shouldn't let you in the elevator alone." Yeah well you shouldn't eat Tangy Taffy, denturelips! Now you know I HAD to get stuck in the elevator one day. No big deal except that I was too short at the time to hit the emergency button (stop smirking you oversized Zulu). So I kept jumping and jumping (something between Mexican bean and Michael Jordan) trying to reach it and the tremors eventually caused the elevator to start moving again. It was truly awful. I saw my entire life (which to a kid essentially amounts to a big score of Tangy Taffy and an entire day of Space Invaders) flash before my eyes. I took the stairs the rest of the trip. My parents didn't think my ordeal was catastrophic. I was surrounded by gross insensitivity. At the pool I almost killed myself attempting a daring variation on the bellyflop but did they give me more arcade money to ease my suffering, noooooo. I sunburned the area around the joint where you lift your arm, not even a single quarter out of it. I finally had to take a stand and DEMAND more candy and video funds. The response: "Let there be SHUTUP."

11-22-00

The Top 10 Reasons why this Election Meshugas* Isn't A Bad Thing: The Jewish Companion

*Crazy is when you think you're an aardvark. Meshugas is when the aardvark thinks he's you.

TOP TEN (if I can make it through this, will someone let meeeee do the ballots!)
10- It's really true that every vote counts even if the electioneers are going to need more fingers to make any kind of accurate tabulation.
9- My bubbe, Mrs. Golda Aaronofsky, who left us in 1987 (I warned her that rugelach and mandelbread clog arteries) was fortunately not alive to see this.  She always used to say, "Wash behind your ears, wear TWO condoms and make sure you push the chad all the way through." She was ahead of her time. She knew.
8- I learned a new word. Up until now I thought 'chad' was just Rob Lowe's brother.
7- Why would I want a boring schemer or a junkie brain-fry for President? What this country really needs is a boring scheming junkie brain-fry! Whatever happened to Timothy Leary?
6-  Now that Florida is the "moronic peckerhead" state, Disneyland packages just have to go down in price. $999 per person based on double occupancy- they think I'm made of money!
5- The Jews really do have power. Is someone jotting this all down for "The Protocols Of The Elders of Zion?"
4- As far as I was concerned, Bush was the victor... so this is all just a big freebie. Even better than the time when "Industrialized Blender" won over "My Hot Receptionist" by judge's decision at Yonkers. I saw the photo finish with my own two eyes. "My Hot Receptionist" clearly was ahead  by a nostril but you never heard me and my 10 to 1 odds complaining.
3- I forgot to put the necessary postage on my absentee vote. And if this thing drags out another 6 months, there's actually a small chance the post office will have the time to send me my ballot back. Hey, I punched the hole. That already puts me at the top of the Florida I.Q. bell curve!
2- Now you see how important the electoral college is. I came over on a boat with 10 cents and I didn't have a chance to finish school. I had to work. But you, you can be anything you want to be. A doctor a lawyer or an accountant. Or an accountant, lawyer, or a doctor. Or you can even be a lawyer, doctor, or an accountant.
1- I could still win this thing! Well I could!

11-27-00

Now that my apartment is uninhabitable I haven't been able to water my parched plants. And just when they were recuperating from severe thirst.(Yknow I never stopped them from taking a glass and pouring themselves a cup of water). I'm also on first name basis with them since I named them "Herbert" and "Halle" (oh like "fern" and "ficus" are cool names?)  I talk to them and I can tell they find my carbon dioxide very intriguing.
I also named the squirrel that camps outside my door (what? Is G-d the only one allowed to give out names?). I've sat and watched him 20 minutes at a time because he's that cute. I call him "Lardass" and before you judge me to be cruel, you really have to watch this munchkin wolf acorns. He just doesn't stop. I mean, my brother can be a real pig at baseball games. He once polished away an entire jumbo bag of peanuts all by himself. And he had a box of cracker jacks too, and there's at least 5 peanuts in there. But I still wouldn't pit him against Lardass in a nut eating contest. Speaking of nuts, what's with these rappers naming themselves after corporations? Eminem, Sysco….I remember when they all came out of the freezer. Ice Cube, Ice T,  Vanilla Ice…I meant to break into the scene myself with the name "Ice Capade" because I was certain that there was an untapped market of 2-9 year olds. Speaking of 2-9 year olds, why do hackers insist on using unpronounceable names like "D@rk M%n8I", when I'm dying to see a simple note like "YoUr SiTe SuX sO I tOoK iT DoWn. SiGnEd, MaRtY FrOm RoNkOkOmA" (Don't get any ideas eDiS0n!")

I keep wondering what the IRS takes out of its employees paychecks. The Internal Revenue Service has been running employment ads in Newsday. You can't apply by simply sending a resume. Read on page 13.

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