10-16-00 1:30 a.m. (anti-metsium)
The Mets have met with metastrophe!
(that's 'Mets catastrophe' Get some language skills!)
I regret to inform you all that there have been some terrible accidents in the Mets camp. Tragic. And what timing, right before the Mets were nearing the World Series. Oh well, I guess that means the Yankees win again. I'm a little weary from all these Yankees wins. 96,98,99,2000, the Civil War…
You can fly in all of your condolence cards* to the Mets c/o La Guardia stadium.
*The Cards need condolences too!
Mike Hampton- drinks bottle of poisoned New York water (not just the stuff out of the tap!)
Edgardo Alfonzo- deported!
Armando Benitez- deported! (and there's plenty more room on the boat)
Hasta La Vista!
Mike Piazza- "Catches" venereal diseases from sister
Get some rest!
Benny Agbayani- Gets better paying job in tourism
Daryl Hamilton- Voodoo curse, mojo no more
Todd Zeile- beat up by John Rocker on subway
Atlanta still sucks!
Robin Ventura- bashed in bad knee by Tanya Harding
Al Leiter- also bashed in bad knee by Tanya Harding
Don't blame Jeff Nelson, it's all Jeff Gilooley's masterminding!
John Franco- hit by Mafia
Teach you to double cross Tony Soprano! (I'm as shocked as you are.)
The rest of the postseason lineup are choking on bubble gum (not supposed to chew up the whole pack when you run out of flavor, let that be a lesson to you!) Has to be bubble gum. Tobacco related cancers…that's just not fast enough!
You mets mice just try &
get me to shaddup. When I was a little girl Billy Martin told me to shut
up* and I had him fired! (and not once mind you!)
*that is a true story. Unlike the story above, which has been dramatized ever so slightly(The Yankees did win the Civil War you confederate crybabies!)
10-22-00 6:57 a.m. (no p.m. until the series is over)
Y'know how when you're disconnected
from someone on the phone, you both idiotically keep calling each other
back at the same time, ensuring a busy signal and many minutes of mumbling
under your breath that the other person is an idiot. Here's a high tech
variation on the theme. Two people are disconnected; they moronically call
each other back at the same time and are patched into each other's voicemail.
To note, both parties own an answering machine AND have voicemail (there
are SO reasons for this!) & each is convinced that the other party
is deliberately screening the call on their answering machine and choosing
not to pick up. Things we can learn from such misunderstandings:
A)Keep the cordless charged at all times. Have many cordlesses (cordli?) and if possible, a cell phone, which should also be kept charged at all times. Bonus points for a beeper,wireless email, or Morse code.
B)Wanna know why you got that crick in your neck? Stop leaning on the phone! Your mandible is grazing the flash button!
C)If you're on a phonus goofus(Latin for 'corded phone') don't move around too much. Think "stuck in a beehive."
Unrelated (does everything have to be related Linnaeus!)
YANKEES! WOOHOO! DIE N.Y! (Let me rephrase that…) Sure Hilary Clinton likes the Yankees. She only knows one ballplayer and someone had to tell her the entire team wasn't called "The NY Jeter Toochises."
Happy Halloween. Wanna hear
something really scary?!(yeah well yer gonna hear it regardless you
There are roaches in my domicile! My very pretty and very spotless apartment. Did we have a nuclear war while I was sleeping? My friend is here to help me clean out my cupboards for when the exterminator comes tomorrow. I have to ask my neighbor to the left if he/she has an insectoid problem. The neighbor to my right is senile. Every time we talk she tells me that she's half Jewish and they're coming to rob the apartment. I don't know who "they" are and can only assume it's the Goyim. There are also some folks living to the back of me. Where did all these people come from? I don't need any sugar or lawnmowers, go away! And take your bugs with you. How many roaches does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they hate light! That's what's keeping them at bay now. I might have to sleep in one those construction hardhats with the flashlight in the front. I know all living creatures have a purpose but I personally am willing to support bug genocide and risk the integrity of the ecosystem. Bring all the spotted owls to my apartment. The bugs. Get rid of the bugs! They have no character anyway. They eat my food, share my space...not a one of them offered to split the groceries or rent. That's just bad manners. The only known cure for that is toxic chemicals. I'm still in denial. I keep hoping this miniature people will pop off their "roach costumes" and chime "trick or treeeeat"....
11-01-00 (quick! convert from binary!)
You didn't ask for it and that's why you're getting it (nothing inspires me more than unpopular demand) (add 5 points if you remember the TV show "The Bugaloos")
My clocks haven't been changed yet, I keep gaining an hour, woohoo! I'd like to speed up the clock and have roaches evolve into monkeys. I could coexist with monkeys, in fact, I have, but we won't get into that. I'd also like to clock my neighbor, not birthday punches neitha. Turns out someone two doors down has more bugaloos than me and didn't bother to say a word, not even "icky." Isn't bug count supposed to be on your tax return! Now my pad is a poisonous wasteland where the bugaloos in the cracks sputter for life and humans slowly go brain dead. But I'll outlast every bugaloo because I've got the inside scoop- I know not to inhale for too long! *cough wheeze gasp (now I know how an asthmatic locked inside a closet feels)(ok not really. but I think I'm growing a third lung. To replace the two that are currently collapsing. Please send oxygen. Hell, I'll even accept ozone at this point)
My friend & I stayed up for 10 hours discussing emptying the cabinets and a half hour actually emptying the cabinets.
(these things require long and careful procrastination yknow!) I felt better having a fearless man by my side even if he did have the reaction time of a drunk driver in dark sunglasses.
"There's a bug there."
"There, and it's getting away Mister Helen Keller!"
"I don't see anything."
"I just windexed it to death. Follow the shine and napkin it. Make yourself useful boy"
Note: There will be more wobz
should I sprout a third hand. 120 wpm here I come!
We all have to leave the country;
we'll go to Canada and come right back. I have Alec Baldwin's ticket, he's
going to Australia so you have ample time to make the moves on Kim. Actually
Alec is the cutest Baldwin, I think we should send Stephen in his stead.
I don't want to go to Canada, it's too cold. I'm headed to warm sunny Florida,
go fuzzy math! What a nail biter of an election. I haven't seen this close
a competition since the Yankees-Mets (psych! Haha!) I'm batting zero here.
If Mickey Mouse and Goofy get votes, Bush is a shoe in. Of course he's
not the mousiest goofiest candidate ever to run for President* but when
the newscasters were reporting on the dead candidate that won, I thought
they were talking about George W!
*My name is Pat Buchanan and I did not evolve from a monkey. That's Robin Williams!
Speaking of monkey business,
the Clintons in NY- Oh the humanity. What's Bill going to do now that Rudy
has shut down half the nudie bars?
Ralph Nader is off my Hanukah list- no pot latkes for him.
Congratulate Lazio on his effective "Hillary has pudgy calves" campaign and Gore on his endearing "I know everything, well except how to campaign" campaign.
Worn On The Wob
I need someone anally organized to help me stop the madness. If you are an amazing webmaster, graphic
designer and anal retentive, please contact me so I can use you and then throw you in the recycle bin.
But until such time that I become webmastery, graphic designery and anal retentive (I am not!)...
you're going to have to follow the arrows in the margin. New wobservations can be found HERE
I'm not working on a master table of contents and I'm never going to.
I think I need a P.R. person too.