I feel like such a witch. Even though witches
are supposed to dig cats. I just had a run in with the smartest sweetest
cat. I have encountered some friendly cats before but this cat was a bona
fide smoocher. Picture one of those kissing fish, only it’s not a fish
it’s a cat, and it’s actually kissing instead of just puckering (those
fish are such teases). He was nuzzling me to death even after I
hurt him picking him up the second time (well he was trying to get away
because he knew I was going to throw him out. What, was I supposed
to wait for the fire department?)
The apartment management told me he’s
somebody’s cat (thank G-d or I might develop head to toe ringworm) and
I think the people who own him are lame because he didn’t have a collar
(yeah I don’t like turtlenecks either but tough!). Also, despite also being
told it was an outdoor cat, he so clearly didn’t want to be outside, it’s
chilly! I mean I think my winter coat is as warm as a fluffy cat coat and
I’m cold.
Imagine it, I open my door and there sits
this plumpy feline perched at attention. I am insisting to you people of
the world that this cat read me and my “oh how cuuuute” expression and
then he KNEW he could bully his way inside. This was a smart cat. I was
ready to call up Cat Mensa. I could not shoo this kitty away, short
of slamming the door on his curious head. Runs right up the stairs
and makes himself at home! Within 5 seconds he went into every single room.
I’m laughing because I never had an animal insinuate itself into my residence
(unless you count my dates). I was on my way out, not that I would’ve wanted
to keep someone else’s pet (though I would totally take this cat if the
owners didn’t want it, I would even pay my kingdom to the Pharaoh, but
he doesn’t need it because he already has a kingdom, which is good because I'm very attached to my kingdom)
Moment I picked this cat up, he kissed
me! And this is the cutest part, he adjusted his body so he was perfectly
positioned and then he started nuzzling. Industrial strength nuzzle. I’ve
never had a cat do that let alone some strange cat. Like a retard I carried
on a conversation with this most adorable affectionate puss like it had
any clue what I was saying (they only speak meow y’know).
I’m pouting out loud “You can’t stay here.
You’re not my cat. I’m sorry. I know I’m going to rot in cat hell and have
fur balls coughed up on me for all eternity, but you have to go.” So I
take him downstairs and he starts climbing all up on me like he doesn’t
want to leave. It was terrible. I had to unhook this wonderful cat. And
of course before I could shut the door, guess who runs back upstairs! (if
you guessed me, it’s no wonder you’re not in cat mensa)
This is a perceptive cat because then
he went to hide from me. And let me tell you that behind my computer is
a good hiding spot. As some of you a/v file senders may know, I still haven’t
bothered to hook up my speakers because I don’t feel like bending down
behind my computer. Of course I knew where he was. The tail was a dead
giveaway, plus I saw him run there. Now he didn’t want to be picked
up so I had to grab and I was sure I made him mad. What does he do? He
started the whole nuzzling thing all over again! You’d think I’d
just bathed in liquid catnip or something. I definitely prefer dogs but
you just don’t understand how loving this cat was. I had to shut the door
in his face and now I’m going to rot in cat hell. I can understand how
people grow so attached to animals. Especially when human beings can be
sleazy enough to bite the hand that feeds them. As the late great Joey
Adams put it, “He’s a friend you can depend on; Always around when he needs
you.” The timing was very poor because I was just walking out the
door but the timing was also optimal because I was in such a somber mood.
It’s nice to know that there’s some random living love out there in the
world. Affection for its own sake. Incidentally this cat wasn’t going
to win any beauty contests. But I still think it was the most perfect cat
I’ve ever come across. The first thing I said when the cat ran up the stairs
was “Just my luck!” before I even noticed that the cat was black (yikes).
But I believe its white paws nullify the curse. There’s a gorgeous cat
next door, sits in the window and watches everything like a journalist.
She looks like the type who only eats Frisky’s Buffet if you know what
I mean. OK, I don’t know what I mean. But I wouldn’t need my cat to win
the Westminster Show. He couldn’t win anyway, that’s for dogs. And
it’s not my cat. Boohoo!
Well, I hope someday he will forgive me
for the unceremonious eviction. I don’t know if I could call it trespassing
or B & E, I did open the door. OK I will stop gushing over this
stupid cat. But just remember it was not a stupid cat. It was the Mensa
cat.