Happy Almost Valentine's Day. I don't have a Valentine. Of course I don't have a heart either. Veins, arteries, capillaries...nope. My blood is pumped through a giant Krazy straw by a tweaked mini blender set to "ice crush"
I've been featured variously on Ripley's Believe it Or Not (don't say 'not.' Did you see the program?), Nova, and I did a guest spot on a Ron Popeil infomercial where his all in one hand blender beat out my mini blender but the truth of the matter is I let him win.
I decided I am no longer taking spam lying down. Nor will I take it standing up, seated at my desk, in a lotus position, or hopping on one leg. I will not be a victim! Instead I will be a victim loser (important distinction) who will take the time to write back to an address that is likely nonexistent or has long exceeded its storage quota. I am the spammer of Satan. I represent the spammers of Satan. Get thee behind me!
Date: Tue, 12 Feb 2002 03:18:35 -0800 (PST)
From: "MMMMM Spam" <email@example.com>
Yes hello, how are you? I was very excited to receive
this fabulous offer in the mail. I had goose bumps
running up and down my arm. Either itís this email or
I need to pay my heating bill. Itís almost karmic that
you wrote me when you did. You see, for three months I
have been operating a home based phone sex business.
Itís just me and one other person whoís an asthmatic.
Alot of people are into the weird breathing noises.
But I do the bulk of the work, itís a one woman show
for the most part. Thus far the only caller has been
my boyfriend. And Iíve been doing it for him for free,
sort of like a pro boner thing. Iím very good at what I
do, I watched a ton of dirty cable stations growing
up, and Iím convinced big time success is within my
reach. Iíve reviewed the financials in my head and I
am certain the two main reasons I havenít yet made any
money are a)I havenít advertised. b)I canít accept
credit cards. I realize I need to do both but I can
only handle one thing at a time so get off my back!
Iím happy to leave my name and number but if you call
me Iím going to have to charge you what I normally
charge my clients. I canít be giving you special
Again, thank you for contacting me. I believe the
entire modern population is connected by six degrees
of spam. Itís heartwarming when you think about it.
Receptively yours (like I had a fucking choice),
Spammer of Satan
Subject: Increase Sales, Accept Credit Cards! [8wj7l]
Do you run a business, either retail or online? Would
you like to accept Visa, Master Card, American
Express, and others like debit cards and check by
phone? Then read on!
Our company has been providing affordable, high
quality, merchant accounts for years. Big business or
small business. We do it all!
What does affordable mean? It means the lowest prices
in the industry, with no setup fees!
What does high quality mean? It means the best
hardware and software in the industry. No cut corners,
no sub-standard items.
Interested in more information with no obligations?
Just fill out the form below and hit submit! We will
get back to you ASAP with all relevant information. If
for some reason the form does not work for you (eg.
hotmail users), please reply to this e-mail and
provide us with the same information as the fields
Your First/Last Name:
Your Phone Number:
Best time to call:
Please note that we currently cannot service clients
outside of the U.S. It is our hope that we will extend
our service to other countries soon.
If you wish to receive no further advertisements on
this subject, please reply to this email with the word
'Remove' in the subject line.
Thank you for your time.
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Home is where the heart is (all my other junk's there too)