2-11-02

Happy Almost Valentine's Day. I don't have a Valentine. Of course I don't have a heart either. Veins, arteries, capillaries...nope. My blood is pumped through a giant Krazy straw by a tweaked mini blender set to "ice crush"
I've been featured variously on Ripley's Believe it Or Not (don't say 'not.' Did you see the program?), Nova, and I did a guest spot on a Ron Popeil infomercial where his all in one hand blender beat out my mini blender but the truth of the matter is I let him win.

2-12-02

I decided I am no longer taking spam lying down. Nor will I take it standing up, seated at my desk, in a lotus position, or hopping on one leg. I will not be a victim! Instead I will be a victim loser (important distinction) who will take the time to write back to an address that is likely nonexistent or has long exceeded its storage quota. I am the spammer of Satan. I represent the spammers of Satan. Get thee behind me!

Date: Tue, 12 Feb 2002 03:18:35 -0800 (PST)
 
From: "MMMMM Spam" <spammers_of_satan@yahoo.com>
 
To: betsysapie@altavista.com
 
Yes hello, how are you? I was very excited to receive
this fabulous offer in the mail. I had goose bumps
running up and down my arm. Either itís this email or
I need to pay my heating bill. Itís almost karmic that
you wrote me when you did. You see, for three months I
have been operating a home based phone sex business.
Itís just me and one other person whoís an asthmatic.
Alot of people are into the weird breathing noises.
But I do the bulk of the work, itís a one woman show
for the most part.  Thus far the only caller has been
my boyfriend. And Iíve been doing it for him for free,
sort of like a pro boner thing. Iím very good at what I
do, I watched a ton of dirty cable stations growing
up, and Iím convinced big time success is within my
reach. Iíve reviewed the financials in my head and I
am certain the two main reasons I havenít yet made any
money are a)I havenít advertised. b)I canít accept
credit cards. I realize I need to do both but I can
only handle one thing at a time so get off my back!
Iím happy to leave my name and number but if you call
me Iím going to have to charge you what I normally
charge my clients. I canít be giving you special
treatment.

Again, thank you for contacting me. I believe the
entire modern population is connected by six degrees
of spam. Itís heartwarming when you think about it.

Receptively yours (like I had a fucking choice),
Spammer of Satan

 

From: agwcco@msn.com
 
To: wpzldung@msn.com
 
Reply-to: betsysapie@altavista.com
 
Subject: Increase Sales, Accept Credit Cards! [8wj7l]
 
 

Do you run a business, either retail or online? Would
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for some reason the form does not work for you (eg.
hotmail users), please reply to this e-mail and
provide us with the same information as the fields
below.
 
 

 Your First/Last Name:
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Your Phone Number:
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Please note that we currently cannot service clients
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If you wish to receive no further advertisements on
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'Remove' in the subject line.
 

Thank you for your time.
 


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