Ala HENNY YOUNGMAN
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever
finds out, she'll kill me!
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a
week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food.....
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The
thief spends less than my wife did.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife
called it the Dead Sea.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell
off.I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"
The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his
bill, so he gave him another six months.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought
here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.
A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?"
He said "I don't know, you're the one who’s working!"
Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him
"Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally,
I let her out.
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
Why do divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"
The man answers, "I make a good living."
A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put
my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day,
the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the
way, you have a nice house!"
Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.
A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes
love, the garage door goes up.
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the
airport.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of
work he's out of.
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
The hotel room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
This man dresses like an unmade bed.
Now, the band that inspired that great saying "Stop The Music!!"
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her, she says "Tut, Tut!"
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!
A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say "we saved your grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says "He had a hat!"
A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.
I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?
Take my wife, please!