3-30-01

Note to Emailers:
I know I can be painfully slow to respond to e-mails but I'm doing the worst I can. When you fail to maintain a healthy answered to unanswered email ratio, it can become overwhelming. And then there's the SPAM. When you constantly order stuff online like I do and send complaint emails to half the companies in America (chain me, whip me, gyve me but satisfy me dammit), well, then you tend to feel obliged to click on emails with headers like "response to your submission, no pun intended."  So I got sucked into a spam view and then into the subsequent one that followed in the queue. And I decided that spammers aren't really trying to sell you on something, nope, it's just a desperate plea for attention, a starvation, it's an illness actually (you make one comment about how I'm similarly afflicted and I'll show you chaining whipping and gyving. I was just pretending it was all too tight. I'll be free faster than you can say 'houdini' and also 'giving me the keys kinda defeats the purpose'.) Don't mind me. You ever have one of those moments where you're just flushed with primal urges and the only available outlet, well there is no available outlet because you've got all your fat computer cords plugged in. I digress. For the record, my least favorite cord is the one on my vacuum, the connectors are majorly bent out of shape and it's a struggle to plug in. I hate vacuuming and not just because my cousin Uncle Marvin told me a story about a girl so little that she was vacuumed up. And then there was the girl who got pink tongue disease from chewing too much strawberry bubble yum. Unrelated incidents. Amazingly, I really dug my cousin Uncle Marvin (chain me, whip me, jive me...) I trigress (but who's counting).  Never mind the detours, I'm here strictly to introduce you to my new penpals, Tommy J and Byron. The poor pathetic slobs who mask their want for an email buddy with mercantile overtures. Well the buck stops here. I wrote them both back, to express my feelings about their feelings and to let them know they're not ignored, forgotten, deleted. Read on that you might comprehend just how much I need to unplug the coffee bean grinder so I can free up an outlet for myself. I can always walk on the coffee beans, never mind brown foot disease.

The (un)original emails are below each of my respective replies.

KEY: (don't touch those shackles))
"Tommie J."
--------"me"



Increase Overall Your Sales w/4 Powerful Words !!!

We Accept Credit Cards !!

------if I give you my Visa number, will you tell me what the 4 powerful words are?
 
FREE CONSULTATION WITH AN INDUSTRY EXPERT, NO OBLIGATION
------Okee. But bring a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed with you. I want to test that too. So...is this industry expert good looking? Well if I'm already trying out the bed...Grab a videocamera and we'll add to the most booming industry on the Internet...

Full Service E-Commerce Provider who offers complete e-commerce solutions for thousands of businesses.
------That's nothing. I've ordered no less than 20 items online in the past month. Who do you think they value more, me or you? You may be the e-commerce solution but I'm the e-commerce cure! (wasn't that a line from Stallone's movie "Cobra"?) I'm their bread and butter, you're just like the plastic spreading knife.

-LOWEST MONTHLY SERVICE FEES as low as 1.59%.  Banks can charge up to 5% or higher.
-----You don't have to tell me twice. It's two dollars to use my &*^^% ATM card! And not only that, they once made me write my account number on all 50 penny rolls that I brought in. So I won't bring in pennies anymore and I hate pennies. In fact the only thing I like about pennies is that they keep you from getting more pennies!

A TURNKEY E-COMMERCE SOLUTION FOR

-Internet Storefront Businesses
-Mail Order and Phone Order
-Start-up Businesses
-Traditional Retail Stores
-Home based Businesses

-----Hello. I am a talking gumball machine. and I would like an e-commerce solution too. Thank you.

Good Credit / Bad Credit / No Credit

**** NO PROBLEM ****
-----For anyone still wondering why the economy is beginning to lag, reread the above 2 lines and process the transaction as it were.
 

WE CHARGE ZERO FOR SETUP FEES!!!
-----Then mark me down for 15 setups please. Bless your heart!
 

>From: <tommiej@att.net>
>Subject: A Must for Entrepreneurs!
>Date: Thu, 29 Mar 2001 22:22:38
Increase Overall Your Sales w/4 Powerful Words !!!

We Accept Credit Cards !!
 
FREE CONSULTATION WITH AN INDUSTRY EXPERT, NO OBLIGATION

Full Service E-Commerce Provider who offers complete e-commerce solutions for thousands of businesses.

-LOWEST MONTHLY SERVICE FEES as low as 1.59%.  Banks can charge up to 5% or higher.

A TURNKEY E-COMMERCE SOLUTION FOR

-Internet Storefront Businesses
-Mail Order and Phone Order
-Start-up Businesses
-Traditional Retail Stores
-Home based Businesses

Good Credit / Bad Credit / No Credit

**** NO PROBLEM ****
 

WE CHARGE ZERO FOR SETUP FEES!!!


KEY: (I've changed it, you'll never escape now)
"Byron."
--------"me"
 
 
 

>From: dalshan@163.net
>Reply-To: bryon@atlas.cz
>To: <hakeem80@hotmail.com>
>CC: <wild_d@hotmail.com>, <dreamtheater7@hotmail.com>, <lypar@hotmail.com>, <charlottecopeland@hotmail.com>, <lypaen@hotmail.com>, <astraman2@hotmail.com>, <stevew106@hotmail.com>, <astraman@hotmail.com>, <astraman3@hotmail.com>, <charlottecorday@hotmail.com>, <nilay84@hotmail.com>, <dreamtheater42@hotmail.com>, <jpheaton@hotmail.com>, <lypad@hotmail.com>, <dreamtheater@hotmail.com>, <charlottecooper@hotmail.com>, <jpheatherly@hotmail.com>, <charlottecorbett@hotmail.com>
>Subject: GETTING BACK TO YOUR REQUEST
>Date: Thu, 29 Mar 2001 14:30:09 -0800
>
>You were recently referred to me as someone who was
>
>ready for a CHANGE, a financial breakthrough, so I'll
>
>get right to the point.

----Well hurry it up then. the bank closes at 4. What kind of heat are you packing?

>
>
>I am the one that can help you make $125,000 plus this
>
>year from HOME with your computer and phone.
----Just one question: Does it involve the use of metaphors like 'snatch snack' and 'baloney poney?'

>
>This is Not MLM and it IS very REAL.
----I don't mind multilevel marketing so long as there's an elevator. It's very important that the pulley on the elevator be real too.
>
>
>Are you Serious about making $2000 plus per week
----I was just pulling your leg. I'm serious about making $2000 a day. So why the heck am I wasting my time with you piss ant?
>
>starting Right Away with a SIMPLE system
----You exit bank holding bags, I start car. I let you in. I drive car fast. evade pursuit. I'm down with it.
>
>where customers are contacting you and
>
>you do absolutely ZERO selling?
----Can't I buy something? Did you get that ink dye stuff all over my money again?
>
>
>Can you follow simple step-by-step instructions and put
>
>forth the effort to make this a reality for yourself starting
>
>today? If your answer is YES, then we need to talk.
----Call me! I want to try out my zero selling technique. If it uncannily resembles a hangup, don't be alarmed. I'm just trying to master the craft. Wow. This is going to be a huge career change from my job at Avon. I'll just knock on peoples doors and run away, like when I was a kid. Zero selling. Why didn't anyone think of that before? Wasn't that a dot com idea?
>
>
>I have few positions available on my team and its in my best
>
>interest to train you for success.
----It's obvious that astraman2 and astraman3 are the same person so that's one less competitor for me.  Same with dreamtheater7 and dreamtheater. Plus I happen to know that lypar is still in high school.
And can you really trust someone who calls themselves "wild_d"?
 

 In fact, I'm so sure that
>
>I can do so, I'm willing to put my money where my mouth is!
----in that case, kiss me you fool! is that a baloney poney in your pocket or are you just happy to hire me?
>
>Upon accepting you as a member on my team, I will provide
>
>you with complete Professional Training and Advertising
>
>Assistance to put you immediately on the road to success.
----but you said I could stay at home. I hope the road to success is inside my closet. It must be winding through the walk-in closet because it definitely couldn't fit inside any of my other ones(if only the girls at bloomingdales were zero-selling). Hey, I don't see any yellow bricks. Wait! There! No, that's just my fuzzy yellow bird slipper. I guess that whole 'road to success' thing is just another metaphor. And what kind of Professional Training are we talking about? How many speeding tickets do *you* have? I'll be doing 90 on success before the cops even hit the on ramp!
>
>
>No experience necessary.... However you must have
>
>two qualities: moderate people skills and a serious desire
>
>for a personal and financial change.
----You're so demanding! What do you think about passable people skills, my owing backtaxes and the fact that I smell like pickled horseradish. I dont know why, I never touch the stuff.
>
>
>Take a moment to take the next step by calling me at my
>
>Home Office and I will get you the details.
>
>
>1-800-895-1610
>
>24 Hrs/ 7 Days
>
>Prosperous Regards!
----Thank you Mr. Spock. I am so very excited to boldly go on the road to success boldly.
>
>Craig
>
>
>"Profits are better than wages. Wages make you a living;
>
>Profits make you a fortune"
>
>                   - Jim Rohn
---- Um sir, what if you're only making a profit of five cents? Call me subversive but I warned you about my people skills. If we're being completely honest here, I don't have many skills. And I don't know many people either. But the latter will definitely change, what, with all the nickles I'll be raking in. I'm psyched up now! I'll buzz you tomorrow, just don't let Miss Cleo pick up the phone. I can do my own tarot with pokemon cards, and it always turns out good.

Debbie

"If you've got the money honey, we've got your disease"
                   - Axl Rose
 
 

>From: dalshan@163.net
>Reply-To: bryon@atlas.cz
>To: <hakeem80@hotmail.com>
>CC: <wild_d@hotmail.com>, <dreamtheater7@hotmail.com>, <lypar@hotmail.com>, <charlottecopeland@hotmail.com>, <lypaen@hotmail.com>, <astraman2@hotmail.com>, <stevew106@hotmail.com>, <astraman@hotmail.com>, <astraman3@hotmail.com>, <charlottecorday@hotmail.com>, <nilay84@hotmail.com>, <dreamtheater42@hotmail.com>, <jpheaton@hotmail.com>, <lypad@hotmail.com>, <dreamtheater@hotmail.com>, <charlottecooper@hotmail.com>, <jpheatherly@hotmail.com>, <charlottecorbett@hotmail.com>
>Subject: GETTING BACK TO YOUR REQUEST
>Date: Thu, 29 Mar 2001 14:30:09 -0800
>
>You were recently referred to me as someone who was
>
>ready for a CHANGE, a financial breakthrough, so I'll
>
>get right to the point.
>
>
>I am the one that can help you make $125,000 plus this
>
>year from HOME with your computer and phone.
>
>This is Not MLM and it IS very REAL.
>
>
>Are you Serious about making $2000 plus per week
>
>starting Right Away with a SIMPLE system
>
>where customers are contacting you and
>
>you do absolutely ZERO selling?
>
>
>Can you follow simple step-by-step instructions and put
>
>forth the effort to make this a reality for yourself starting
>
>today? If your answer is YES, then we need to talk.
>
>
>I have few positions available on my team and its in my best
>
>interest to train you for success.  In fact, I'm so sure that
>
>I can do so, I'm willing to put my money where my mouth is!
>
>Upon accepting you as a member on my team, I will provide
>
>you with complete Professional Training and Advertising
>
>Assistance to put you immediately on the road to success.
>
>
>No experience necessary.... However you must have
>
>two qualities: moderate people skills and a serious desire
>
>for a personal and financial change.
>
>
>Take a moment to take the next step by calling me at my
>
>Home Office and I will get you the details.
>
>
>1-800-895-1610
>
>24 Hrs/ 7 Days
>
>Prosperous Regards!
>
>Craig
>
>
>"Profits are better than wages. Wages make you a living;
>
>Profits make you a fortune"
>
>                   - Jim Rohn
>


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