"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

"I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!"

"I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast."

"You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time."

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."

"I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire."

"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."

"I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, 'It's free with purchase.' I asked her if anyone bought anything today."

"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."

"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."

"I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping."

"Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it..."

"I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went 'Aaaaahhhh.'"

"The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun...She said, 'Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.'"

"In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'Cut it out.'"

"I'm a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future... Just way off to the side"

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

"I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."

"I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it."

"Everywhere is walking distance, if you have the time."

"I can levitate birds. No one cares."

"I had to stop driving my car for a while - - the tires got dizzy."

"I try to daydream, but my mind keeps wandering."

"When George Washington was asked for ID, did he just whip out a quarter?"

"I busted a mirror and got 7 years bad luck, but my lawyer says he can get me five."

"I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit but it wouldn't matter."

"When I was a fetus I used to sneak out when my mother was sleeping. I remember thinking, now's when I should start stealing stuff, since I don't have any fingerprints."

"I remember the day the candle shop burned down and we all stood around and sang happy birthday."

"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."

"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"

"I filled out an application that said, ''In Case Of Emergency Notify'' I wrote ''Doctor''...What's my mother going to do?"

"One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, ''Didn't you see the stop sign?'' I said, ' 'Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.'"