Allen: What are you doing Saturday night?
Girl in Museum: Committing suicide.
Allen: What about Friday night?

"Although I am a practicing heterosexual, bisexuality automatically doubles your chances of a date on Saturday night."


"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."

"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down."

"I was gonna kill myself but I was in strict Freudian analysis and if you kill yourself you have to pay for the sessions you miss"


"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."

"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank."

"If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever."

"To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."


"I was nauseous and tingly all over... I was either in love or I had smallpox."


"I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more."

"Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies."

"Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon."

"The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion."


"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."

"I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib."


"Philosophy:Everyone from Plato to Camus is read and the following topics are covered:
Ethics : The categorical imperative, and six ways to make it work for you.
Aesthetics : Is art the mirror of life, or what?
Metaphysics : What happens to the soul after death? How does it manage?
Epistemology : Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know this?
The absurd : Why existence is often considered silly, particularly for men who wear brown-and-white shoes."

"I am at two with nature."

"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."

"Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it."

"I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear."

"The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep."

"When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."

"Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage."

"Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness."

"Today I saw a red-and-yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday, too, and it rained."


"Can we actually 'know' the universe? My God, its hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown."

"It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."


"Sex is dirty" "Yes, only if done correctly"

"The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty."

"Penis envy? Yeah, I'm one of the few males that suffers from that."

"I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, and she said 'No'"

"Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman."

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."