I have never had sex with my wife.

Chelsea is a lovechild.

Impeached because of a peach? Just peachy.

The Clinton impeachment. Proof positive that all the world's a stage. We all knew it was going to happen, just as we all know he won't be removed from office. We can only hope that the Senate will vote immediately to end this morality play. I don't doubt that there are a few misguided moralists genuinely disturbed and outraged by Clinton's free love and free lies. But don't kid yourselves people- this is politics, partisan politics. And it can get ugly. Just as when President Johnson was impeached; we all know the platitude about history and it's recurring nature. High crime? I'd sooner have him impeached for his pot smoking. And the misrepresentation of truth which tainted his now notorious denial of "I didn't inhale."

To be sure, our President never did inhale truth serum. He is a liar and a lecher. But it does matter what he lied about. Which is why the majority of Americans disapprove of the current legal proceedings. Let's talk truth. Is that not what this entire melodrama is about? Clinton's nose is constantly growing. So is Paula's proboscis only she had hers clipped. Jones is about the money and it was always about the money for her. To the Republicans championing her cause, it was about playing partisan politics, ugly style. What useful truth has emerged from the Jones' case? That our President is far from feminist. Inviting an unsuspecting subordinate employee to your room to streak her is de clase and borderline harassing. But we've seen just how harassed Paula Jones felt. Let her 15 minutes be up.

Why won't the Monica-Bill affair go gentle into that good night? Because the details are juicy and better than anything I get on cable. Here is a guy engaging in an extramarital menage a trois with an intern and a roll of tobacco. And he has the audacity to lie about it and thereafter to try to redefine sex in the most unreal terms. Useful truth #2: President Clinton has no shame. Lament that he is too swamped with scandal whitewashing to concentrate on important matters. But otherwise do not feel sorry that his head is buried in the sand. It is actually some small consolation to know that he isn't focused on seducing the next fresh young thing on Capitol Hill.

We can only hope that bad apple politicians will be more discreet in their future libidinous romps at notell motels. Useful Truth #3: Enough politicians, like many Civilian Americans, do have trysts and often sordid ones at that. It is widespread news that porn peddler Larry Flynt has offered(successfully) up to 1 million dollars to any women who can offer proof of an affair with a high level politician. One has to wonder if he is trying to highlight hypocrisy or solicit new spicy material for his publications. It is not wrong for Americans to expect that their leaders adhere to the highest standards of ethical behavior, both private and public. Because leadership implies something above and beyond the norm. Because the private and public lives of leaders are difficult, often impossible, to separate. We should encourage and support our Congress drafting a code of decorum for our politicians, particularly regarding their behavior in the workplace. Notwithstanding, liars and cheaters of all levels and sorts usually end up paying the piper. A $1,000,000 payoff to a parasitic partisan pawn named Paula. The entire world knowing the markings on your member. A trashed reputation. Seems like a high enough price to pay. Early on, we failed to substantially prove sexual harassment (certainly an impeachable charge) and it clearly became a soap opera of private life lies. Timeless truth #4: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Let he with a ravenous appetite for sleazy theatre get a satellite dish.

Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before