The Wall Street Yenta
March 3, 2000

Overheard at CNBC conference with various Fortune CEOs.

CNBC: Welcome to you all. The money continues to flow into the tech sector and I'm wondering if any of you guys are going to pick up the pace and bring your companies into the 21st century.
Upjohn: We're working on developing a remedy for computer viruses. As you know, there are alot of different computers viruses out there and each year, the number of infections grows. This causes downtime and a loss in productivity and…
Phillip Morris: You suckup! Why don't you work on lung cancer!  Can I smoke or will someone sue me?
UPS: How does your technology arrive? By fax? I don't think so. How ya like me now!
Walmart: We sell CD players and stuff.
Gap: We've just inked a deal with Apple Computer because we're really good at coming up with silly color names.
Exxon: Bastards! You think your networks are running on solar power?!
Chase Manhattan: Wellll let's just say the tech companies have maxed out their credit cards. Tut tut.
Sears: We have Sears dot com. Did you hear that last part? I said dot com.
Home Depot: Well what if your computer desk isn't sturdy? The computer could fall on the floor and that wouldn't be good.
Costco: We're waiting for disposable technology to take off. Which is when we'll step in and sell routers by the case. You ever notice how much "Cisco" sounds like "Costco", not that we intend to make anything out of it.
Nike: Fade in…Bill Gates inside his fortress. Janet Reno has left him a phone message. He starts kicking the answering machine…in Nikes. Fade out.
Alcoa: We're planning to migrate from profitability to concept. You know you could make robots out of aluminum.
Lockheed Martin: Great. Suddenly rocket science isn't high tech?!
Citigroup: The ATM isn't high speed enough for you?  Incidentally, we're going to start charging $10000 per ATM withdrawal...which should improve our bottom line.
Coca Cola: What? You afraid to drink soda around your precious electronics?
Hasbro: I, for one, would rather have something cuddly than one of them Palm Pilot thingamajigs.
Sears: Did I mention that Sears dot com is having an IPO. Did you hear what I said? IPO. Dot com. IPO.
Nike: What do you think of the slogan "Just CPU it"? Get me Andy Grove on the phone…
Value Stock Spokesperson:  We have good cash flow, top management, respectable revenue growth, we haven't missed earnings in 9 consecutive quarters, right now we're trading at only 13 times this years earnings and…
CNBC: Call someone who cares.

Market Commentary

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